It's a dreary Sunday morning in SoCal. Here I am sitting at the keyboard in my bathrobe. It's quiet. I like that. I can think. Well, I wouldn't exactly call it thinking, I'm not all deep and stuff. More like I have thoughts. Things occur to me, or I see patterns, look for explanations, endeavor to make sense of it all. As I expressed in my profile, in my life I have been interested in a couple of things--one of which is appreciating what is right about people.
I don't know exactly why this interest caught my attention early on as a child. Scientists of behaviour might examine the crucible of my early family life. As a second son in a family of five children, I precociously noted which childish behaviours were rewarded with warm parental approval and which were not. Behaviours which elicited either an icy coolness of parental indifference or an heated explosiveness requiring parental intervention were to be avoided. Most kids glean from their parents an initial ideal of what's right about people, and tangentially how to act.. Because children yearn to be appreciated, and long to be adored, they make the necessary adjustments on their way toward adulthood.
Could life be that simple? Is the road to the promised land of adulthood as simple as Just Please Your Parents? To simply think like they would want you to think? and do just what they would wish you to do?
Oh, if only life were that easy. The problem is that I don't always think like my parents would have thought, nor do I do what my parents would have done.
For me, it has always been much easier to notice that which is to be avoided, than to clearly see that which must be embraced. What really is right about people? And what was really right about me? And what about that mysteriously large gap between knowing what one ought to be doing, and what one actually finds one's self doing?
The forge of personal experience teaches us what not to do, but it only hints at what to do. The lessons of what is right about people and their behaviour start in the family, but they only go so far. It is interesting to keep an eye out for what is right about people and how to bring out the best in them....
What have you noticed?
I don't know exactly why this interest caught my attention early on as a child. Scientists of behaviour might examine the crucible of my early family life. As a second son in a family of five children, I precociously noted which childish behaviours were rewarded with warm parental approval and which were not. Behaviours which elicited either an icy coolness of parental indifference or an heated explosiveness requiring parental intervention were to be avoided. Most kids glean from their parents an initial ideal of what's right about people, and tangentially how to act.. Because children yearn to be appreciated, and long to be adored, they make the necessary adjustments on their way toward adulthood.
Could life be that simple? Is the road to the promised land of adulthood as simple as Just Please Your Parents? To simply think like they would want you to think? and do just what they would wish you to do?
Oh, if only life were that easy. The problem is that I don't always think like my parents would have thought, nor do I do what my parents would have done.
For me, it has always been much easier to notice that which is to be avoided, than to clearly see that which must be embraced. What really is right about people? And what was really right about me? And what about that mysteriously large gap between knowing what one ought to be doing, and what one actually finds one's self doing?
The forge of personal experience teaches us what not to do, but it only hints at what to do. The lessons of what is right about people and their behaviour start in the family, but they only go so far. It is interesting to keep an eye out for what is right about people and how to bring out the best in them....
What have you noticed?
4 comments:
I've noticed that you have a self-deprecating quality about you. It's evident in your writing. I suspect it serves you well. :)
This gives me many thoughts. It is great when a child emulates his parents. What a joy for the parent, peaceful and blissful for all. Some children are happy to get attention from being "good", while others are happy to get attention any way...often by being in trouble. They still want attention, good or bad. Children also need to strive for their own autonomy. Going through the process kids often look for their own individual role by choosing something different from their parents. Part of finding themselves, I guess. I think that often they come back to their own roots, and the foundation they were raised upon. Other times the road they forge makes them happy. In light of that, we can keep the joy of the relationship by remaining happy for the child's growth, respecting differences, and rejoicing in the child's happiness and success. I believe my family gave me support when I turned out very different from the instruction of my childhood. As a parent now, I see that I have always expected my children to follow the path I laid before them (because "obviously" it is what is best). It is my turn to support and be happy in their discoveries. Prayer and instruction doesn't stop. We look for the good, remain thankful, and love them.
I noticed a few different things...
You have candidly stated that you find it easier to notice what to avoid rather than what to embrace, and that the result of your personal experience has been to see much of what NOT to do, and only hints of what TO do. And yet, here you are, actively DOING a couple of very positive things:
1. Going against your natural inclination (Did you play the "what's wrong with this picture" game an awful lot as your little brain was developing?! Just kidding, maybe...?), and instead actively choosing to notice what is right about people.
2. Airing these interesting topics for exploration and discussion.
Nice work! I applaud you!
Tricia's comment made me think about the situation parents find themselves in:
Conscientious parents attempt to teach what they believe are important values to their children. Hopefully, those are healthy values, but opinions and cultures differ on what that even means. And we are all prone to various amounts of flubbing up anyway (this is where we can learn to genuinely apologize and kindly forgive--very useful things to learn!). Some parents simply follow the example of child-rearing their parents set for them, for better or worse. Some seek information from others via books or personal advice, which may or may not be useful. Given the amount of conflicting opinions there are out there regarding parenting, it can certainly be confusing.
One constant that appears (and that we all know) is that people seek to be loved. I recently heard a Christian pastor point out how much great joy we feel from knowing we are loved. He was speaking of a relationship with God. I think that is also true of our relationships with each other. And so we seek love (or what we perceive to be love) from day one.
I love the reflective comments Tricia and Olivia posted and largely agree with their observations.
Indeed, when I was first a parent, I didn't really have much insight other than what I learned growing up. Sure, I had seen friends raising kids before then, but none of it mattered a great deal until I had my own child. I learned a number of things then of what NOT to do. Of course, then there's some experimenting (trying new things) and researching (reading, consulting with other parents, etc) and then trying some of those things out.
I have long told people that one of the most dramatic moments in my life was when my daughter took her first breath. My entire life and outlook on life changed at that time.
Now I observe that my granddaughter gives me more joy, just to watch her laugh and smile, than so many other things I've ever done or said or observed. :)
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